Ambitions I’ve Had And The Things That Stopped Me From Shooting For Them
May 8, 2021
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I’ve had ambitions since I was a teen. There were things I wanted to do.
I don’t know how to go about things. I am not good a verbally expressing myself sometimes. It’s been a struggle from day one.
I wanted to get into acting/voice-over work for a while now. Originally it started with acting like in movies and stuff then VO work became my preference along the way. Anyone can ask what’s stopping me. I don’t live in LA. Firstly. And. No one has patience for someone like me. Who’s.. Autistic and take a while to learn things. I can be a fast learner. However, sometimes I have difficulty learning things. You can argue how do I know when I haven’t tried yet. It’s because in the past,
I felt like folks had no patience with me. Like the director when I was in the marching band my Jr. Year
I wasn’t the same for about a month and a half after that happened.
Neurodivergent is an umbrella term for folks with autism, ADHD, Bipolar, etc. In the band director’s case. If he told me why I was behind, I would have understood what I have to do.
What would have been so difficult if the director gave me a cue to listen out for (if I was starting the final move too soon) or if I was going too fast telling me to listen out for the bass? MY mom gives me that tip when I am going too fast.
If you can work with me and come up with ways to help me learn, I can work with you. I can put in 100%. What I need from you; is understanding and patience and methods.
I am implying tips on how I can improve will help it click better.
Then I thought about when I wanted to pursue acting, Then thought to myself what if the director loses their patience with me if I am struggling to learn the context of the line or struggle to say a word. I trip on my words all the time.
Just watch my YouTube videos. Would the director get fed up with doing several takes? Now I could be wrong, feel free to correct me if I am.
I can take the skills I learned from Youtube ( in regards to audio and such) to send it professional reels.
You could say Joe is not like the band director. I would have to be heavily convinced. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but the trauma brain constantly reminds you and you shield yourself.
Even my mom starts to lose her patience if I need more details when she is telling me something. I feel like I am being punished. Like people think I am doing this on purpose but I am not.
I have trouble following verbal instructions. If my mom tells me to do something and then gives me more tasks before I could even process the first one, I ask because I did not catch what else she wanted me to do then start to get irritated after I ask the 3rd time. If my mom gets irritated after like 3 times how is the director any different?
I would say that is what’s stopping me. My mom always said I can do anything I put my mind to.
Perhaps the impressions I do when I play games like Undertale could be a kick-off. Maybe if I do that someone can tell me where I can improve, Maybe. I don’t know.
I am afraid of rejection. More or less feeling like you were good and you’re not cut out for it.
The question is will they have patience for me because a lot of people didn’t.
I always rolled with being afraid of rejection. I admit; it’s inevitable. I follow tons of actors. I asked one if they got rejected when they went out for roles and they said yes you have to keep trying.
I watched another IG story and one actor said you will get rejected over and over. I should remember their determination. They wouldn’t be where they are if they let some rejections stop them. Like I said when I play games and lose. Learn from why I lost and how could I have executed the level. I don’t know if I’ve told anyone about that ambition. Well, know I am telling you.
The real fear was, that no one had patience with me. Like the band, the director lost his shit.
I latched on to my rejection fear. At this rate, it’s time to realize it’s inevitable. In the games, I play when I lose I keep going until I pass the level. Even though it takes time, I learn from why I lost and try again at the next level.
Yes, the question is are they willing to work with a person like me. I want it. I feel like me taking time to learn stuff is off-putting, In the acting case, learning the context of a line. How should the delivery of said line be. Understanding the director’s directions. Also, I got terrible anxiety. Put one-way glass in the voice-over booth and I’ll be dandy. Kidding.
That was it all of long. The thing is that no one will have patience with me because I learn differently.
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[…] and RSD. I recall making a blog post about this sometime in 2021. I talked about how my neurodivergence would make it difficult. RSD (rejection […]