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This blog post is about respecting the boundaries of your partner/potential partner. I met this guy when I went to the eatery to get food for the fam. I had to place the order in person ( I normally call beforehand but the # was not working) and while I waited for my order, he wanted to chat.
I chat with people all the time while waiting for something. I thought nothing of it at first.
He asked for my phone number. I don’t give out my phone number unless I know you. For most of my Facebook friends, whom I never met in person, it was a year or more before I gave them my phone number. I have to know you for about a year before I give my digits to anyone. I’d give you my Instagram, and Twitter and you’re free to follow me. It’s different if we go to school/work together, attend the same art class, etc. I can talk to you on Insta or Twitter etc and if things are kicking off, then exchange numbers.
I told the guy loud and clear I do not give my digits to someone I barely know. The guy would not respect that. I gave an alternative. I said to add me on a social platform of your choice and he said he did not have any platforms.
I even tried getting in the car like I’m about to leave and the guy still kept asking. I caved in out of fear if I got stern and told the guy NO.
Before that, I said time and time I don’t give my # out unless I know you. I guess he thought a 10 min convo fell under the belt of “know you”
I thought nothing of it when we talked. Then last night the guy calls me without a warning. As an autistic person, I hate phone calls and prefer text/DMs and email. I especially hate phone calls without warning first. Give this a read to better understand why autistic people do not like phone calls. Most of the points the author mentions is my struggle with calls, especially unplanned calls.
The guy had instant feelings for me without even knowing me. I’m Aro which means I don’t experience these feelings. I only do it after a connection has been built. I got to connect to the person, I got to hang out with them. I believe due to how I miss social cues, I thought the guy just wanted to talk while I was waiting for my food and nothing more. not realizing he actually had feelings for me. I didn’t have feelings for him. I tried to, for him. It just wouldn’t click.
Things got sus when he called me in the middle of the night without warning
I told him I am not a caller and to text me. Called me anyway.
When he called last night, I reminded him in case he forgot and he insisted I call. Despite me telling him I am not a caller.
Then he asks me to go to his house (this was the middle of the night) I said no many times.
I should not have to tell you NO 5 times before you listen. I should only tell you once.
Then the guy admits he wanted to get laid with me. I am a sex-repulsed asexual.
Then the guy said he is going through something and he thinks sleeping with me, someone he hardly knows, is the answer.
At least to me anyone that thinks sex is the answer to everything is someone I don’t want anything to do with.
Then talked about wanting a family. With someone, you barely know. I can see it if we were together for 5 years and decided on this.
The guy is not thinking things through. Kids are expensive. Do you have money saved up for a baby? Do you have room in your home for a baby? Does your job have paid leave so you can take off when the child is born? It takes some folks half a year for the body to recover post-pardom.
If his job doesn’t have paid leave, does he have enough saved up to last half a year or so? The average uterus owner needs half a year or so off when the baby is born. Daycare is expensive so the couple could decide one goes back to work and the other takes off for leave. No way he has enough money to go on leave until the child is old enough for pre-school.
Do you know how much money it costs to get everything you need for a baby? When I was in high school, we were learning about these things and did window shopping for the baby and the supplies were over 1K total.
This was in 2014. Things have gone up since then and it cost more. I took a class called Marriage and Family that taught financial responsibility.
Also wouldn’t it be odd for that child that their parents hardly knew each other?
In that convo, my space was not being respected. If someone tells you they prefer text communication, respect that. if someone does not want to give you their number, respect that. It’s like folks think no means “keep asking” or “coerce them” instead of taking it as a sign to back away. I don’t wanna be with someone that can’t respect my wishes. Someone could have hearing impairments and rely on reading lips which is impossible to do over the phone.
The guy said he’s met other women with my name and they never worked out. Now I see why. It’s outright gross messaging someone out of nowhere; wanting to bang someone you barely know no less. I can see why those ladies distance themselves. It doesn’t matter if you do know them. Then I said NO. The words NO don’t always have to be said “I don’t want to” and “I am not comfortable with that.” these are also ways to say no.
Then he wanted to say he was kidding. That is not something to joke about. You don’t joke about wanting to get a lady prego. I made a video about the first convo. He texted the next day saying he wanted a child. That’s what abusers do. They do their shit and then “apologize” or they are joking. You should know these things are wrong from the get-go.
Didn’t take any accountability. No “I was wrong for joking about that.” Or anything. If you do something out of bounds and don’t even take responsibility; fail.
Doesn’t it give you bad vibes when someone you hardly know all of a sudden wants to sleep with you and have kids? During our first convo, he said kids are a lot of responsibility, boy did that age well?
I am thinking about looking into those apps that give you a phone # and if the person turns out to be borderline creepy, I can just regenerate a new one.
One story to back why I don’t give out my # unless I know you. I had this online relationship with someone on Facebook. I gave them my #.
When they texted me and I didn’t answer right away, they texted every 5 mins until I replied. I was so frustrated. They sent a lot of kinky messages which made me feel weird. One night I had a terrible headache and felt sick and the guy asked to call me. It was also after midnight for me. I told him I am not feeling good. Instead of saying ” well feel better and well talk later” he proceeds to beg me. That experience taught me to only give my number to people I know. Do not disturb is my friend.
The point is if someone is not respecting your space, they automatically fail the test. Boundaries are an important key.
Also, you shouldn’t make rash plans just because you think they will solve your situation. They will only make it worse.
I would have more respect for him if he said something like “I’m gonna be honest, I am not in the right headspace and a relationship is the last thing I need.” I would have respected him if he said X happened and right now mentally, I am not ready for a relationship etc.
Pulling that stunt was just gross. Women/uterus owners are not sex objects. It’s folks like him that make men look bad.
I will never understand for the life of me why guys ask for a # when they hardly know you. I can see it if it was a kid at school or a co-worker, someone on your sports team, art class, music class, etc. A guy you JUST met wanting your digits? That doesn’t sit right with me.
That’s just me. Everything things different.
When he said he had no social media I should have said ‘well too bad. I’m not giving my # to someone I barely know and that’s final.” before you say “wow you won’t try because he has no social media” let me explain. I barely know this guy, I can see it if we went to school together and we met again at the eatery. I know him. I just haven’t talked to him since we graduated.
Also if the guy turns out to be creepy (which he did) it’s easier to block the person on Instagram than blocking a phone #.
If the person’s phone is jailbroken (iPhone) or Rooted( Andriod) or using software that bypasses the block then blocking the number won’t work. I’ve blocked countless unknown numbers and the call still goes through when they try again.
If this guy becomes stalkerish calling me non-stop, I’d have no way to get him to leave me alone if say, he jailbroke his phone.
At least on Instagram or Twitter, that block will work and he’d have to make a new account. To make an account on any social site you need an email. You cannot use the same one for 2 accounts.
As an autistic person who talks to other autistics, social media helps us find people like us, find pages for topics we like, etc.
I’m around people who have social media. Even when I was in high school a lot of the kids I talked to had Facebook or whatever site they liked. It just felt like a rare occurrence to meet someone who doesn’t have any socials.
Because I’m so used to being around people who use social media, even if they don’t use it religiously like me. Also being a content creator social media is paramount to help your content reach more people. You cannot rely on Youtube, Twitch, Spotify, etc AI to promote your content.
Thats another possibility why him having no social media surprised me. Its important to promote your stuff.
I see stories of women/uterus owners geting stalked by dudes, dude refusing to listen when the person says NO to a phone number, only giving the # out because they are afraid of being killed for rejecting them. Its sad that boundaries and respect weren’t taught.
Think about it that way. Maybe my autistic ass can’t understand. Why do folks ask for your # when they don’t know you from a can of paint? You can ask why don’t I give a fake number or an old number. Because the guy will call the number to make sure it works. I am sure he caught wind he was given fake numbers. How about, fucking respect when someone tells you NO.
I made a video about this as well
Thank you for sharing your story and linking back to my article. As autistic people, it can be very difficult for us to gauge whether or not someone is trying to hit on us versus just talk to us. (I honestly just assume all cis men speaking to me are trying to hit on me, and I don’t let them speak to me for any longer than necessary.) I’m very firm with “no”, and will just walk away. Rejected cis men can be terrifying. Again, thank you for sharing that I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and neither was the experience.
thanks for reading. I never understand why men ask for your # when they hardly know you. I can see it if it’s someone you see every day at school, work, sports practice, etc. I found your article about phone calls interesting and it was the right moment when the person called me without warning. it was perfect timing when I found the article and when the guy called me without warning. Do not disturb is my friend. I connected to the section about surprise phone calls.
[…] When I make an appointment, I know they will call you a few days before to confirm or inform you regarding what you need. I’d like a heads up if you must call me. Just a simple text asking if I am around to talk. And if I am not up for talking I’d like that to be respected. This was difficult when I met this guy at the eatery, Read more about that here […]
[…] met this dude at the eatery who turned out to be a creep. I talked about that here. To give you a short summary. He called me in the middle of the night with no warning adamant for […]