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It’s a known fact that autism affects social skills. For instance, an ability to detect social cues is hindered. Mostly non-verbal cues. I do have issues with social cues, understanding other people’s points of view, and verbally expressing myself when I don’t always have the chance to map out my thoughts. I also have a great deal of trouble understanding how my words/actions upset others. If they do not address it in a matter where I understand.
I will list situations where my lack of social skills caused problems. And this was with neurotypical people.
When I Couldn’t Understand How A Facebook Status I Posted Upset Some People
I find it annoying when older men flirt with me. I have had this problem for a while. My mom once told off an older guy for looking at me in a flirting way when I was 15 or 16. He was in his 30s-40s. I posted in a ‘support group’ on how I find being hit on by older guys discomforting. I talk more about it here.
The other members of the group thought I was calling the guy in question a pedophile because I named a time when a guy randomly flirted with me out of the clear blue sky. I’m just minding my own business and these older men flirt with me. I did say it should be pedophilia for older guys to hit on younger women.
I meant more or less this. I’ve been told that I look younger than I actually am. One time an older guy said I looked 14 when I told him i was 19 at the time. I;ve been thinking what if I appear younger than I really am. Even though I am not a minor anymore, that fact that these folks possibly THINK I am should still count.
Keyword SHOULD. But I was talking about more extreme cases(like unwanted messages on social media), stalking, etc, however. Same case if they think you are a minor (ex you use a younge photo of yourself in your profile pic. Rather than asking me for more details, the people in the group proceed to attack me on the thread. I had no understanding as to why I was being attacked and why people were so angry. If a 60-year-old hit on a 13-year-old it’s out of bounds, right? I get attacked for thinking that it should not matter the person’s age. I hate having a disorder that impairs my social abilities.
I am saying it’s rough when you have a disorder that impairs your social abilities and you won’t know what’s ok to say or not. If the members of the group did not pick up what I was saying, they should have asked me to clarify. More or less ‘this is how this is coming off to me, can you explain so more I want to avoid a misunderstanding.’
Instead, they quickly jump to conclusions that I was accusing the flirting man of being a pedophile and attack me for it. Funny thing is the people were shamming me and calling me a child when they were acting like children attacking me and bullying me over a post. So a 15 y/o can not like a 50 y/o creep hitting on them but not a young adult?
If they misunderstood, they could have asked me to get a better understanding. This was a so-called mental health support group. Correction ‘support’ group. This guy looked old enough to be my dad. I can understand from my perspective; their anger if the guy was 30. 30 isn’t that far from 23. They also said age is a number. Um if you’re 30 and your partner is 40 that’s where I would say that. A 50 y/0 creep hitting on a 20-something year is plain disturbing. One time I met a guy at thr hardware store who was 30 and I was 19. My mom agreed that he was too old for me. I didn’t understand. Now I do. He couldn’t even take me to a bar for another year and a half.
If I said he’s old enough to be my dad and I’m 23, my dad would be at least in his early 50s. They bully me and can’t math right. It was my hardest subject in school and I admit I suck at math but this math is easy. My mom is worried older guys will take advantage of me because I have no dating experience.
Also by being ‘different.’ Any autism parent would be concerned about their son/daughter in this case. And these people attack me for it. They will sing a different song if someone they know is hit on by an old creep. My mom perfers someone who is within my age group. My mom is only doing whats best for me. Those so-called ‘adults’ should feel my mom’s concern.
Point is I had no intentions to upset or offend anything but they were angry with my statues anyway.
I Had Good Intentions And It Backfired
For us, you have to calmly address the situation. Immediately going off the handle may not end well. My brain is different than yours. I see things differently than you. I don’t understand things the way you do. Automatically reprimanding me will just send me into anxiety.
If I have no understanding of what I did wrong. I am going to name an instance where people instantly coming down on me but not explaining what I had done wrong didn’t help. One instance is, you know Facebook has that ‘on this day’ feature.
When you post something to your wall, it will remind you a year later. I had shared an autism post, educating people that autism doesn’t have a look. It had a collage of people who are autistic
. My intentions were to spread awareness that not everything has a look, you cannot see autism. I shared it with an autism group I am no longer in, I will get into that. My plan backfired. Someone got upset over the post calling it ‘inspiration porn.’ I had no idea what that was and said ‘there is no porn on this post.’
I had no understanding of why the guy was upset because he wouldn’t explain to me why it upset him. You can’t expect me to know what upsets everyone on a global platform. If you don’t explain, I don’t understand. Remember, my social abilities are compromised so I can’t tell by your reactions why you’re upset, angry, etc. The offendee mention learning from my mistake. How did I make a mistake? This guy chose to act like I am a mind reader! Had someone calmly, in a calm matter, explained to me why the post was wrong or at least why he didn’t like those posts, I would have understood. Everyone coming down on me because I couldn’t understand the fault of the post didn’t help. I left the group in case the admins were tyrants who ban you over the littlest things.
This is your problem. You expect everyone to read your mind. What would have been so hard about ‘I disagree with this post because the people pictured are not actually autistic. The page that posted this needs to do their research better.’
Didn’t know how to approach a guy noticing me
My folks didn’t remind me the recycling can goes out. The blue can people run every other week, so it’s hard to remember when the can goes out. Sometimes we don’t have much in the blue can, therefore, there is no need to take the can out.
I had remembered after 10pm when I heard the neighbor bringing her can upfront. So I went outside to take the can upfront. This guy spotted me, he was walking with someone I reckon was a friend. This guy tried to talk to me. I am new to this stuff so I didn’t know how to process it and had no time to process it. I did not get a good look at his face by it being dark. It was after 10pm after all. I saw him a month later when I went to take out the trash, coincidentally.
This time it was in broad daylight. I was shocked at his appearance. Kinda like how you would react when someone catfishes you online, and you meet the person face-to-face. He did look kinda old. I asked him his age and he avoided the question. If he had nothing to hide, he would have told me how old he was. The second time he came by, my mom spied on us. In the basement, we have these windows you cannot see out of, but it has a little window you can open and see out of, like this. As soon as I came in the door, she lost her shit.
She started yelling at me right off the bat and I felt like I went into a mini panic attack. I was like ‘what did I do?’ I didn’t do it!’ She was not happy with his appearance. Going off like it’s my fault older guys are into me did not help. She saw that he was sagging, but I could not see it because he wore long shirts. My mom does not like guys who sag. I didn’t ask to be different, I don’t want it. She has a point due to me being different, I can be taken advantage of easily. She could have brought her message across differently.
How You Should Address Your Feelings
- Don’t yell at them. They don’t understand why you’re yelling at them.
- Address it in a calming matter Example ‘It makes me angry when you take my stuff without telling me, all I ask is that you tell me.’ They will fear you will get mad which will lead them to hide.
- Find a way that they can understand your point of view.
Remember it’s tough having a disorder that affects your social skills. It’s not like we asked for it.
It’s not about addressing it but how you address it. If someone does something you don’t like. Instead of ignoring them or being hostile, in a calm matter explain to them that you do not like it when they let’s say make fun of you.
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[…] You probably would have gotten a better response if you did not jump the ship. I explained about the autism group I was in when I shared a meme I didn’t know would upset someone. I would have responded […]